Celebrity Apprentice coming soon -- but where are the celebrities??? (See the cast.)

Donald Trump's "The Apprentice" is coming back. And this time it's "Celebrity Apprentice!" I was kind of looking forward to this a wee-bit. And then I saw the cast:

Trace Adkins (country music singer)
Carol Alt (model/actress)
Stephen Baldwin (actor, The Usual Suspects)
Nadia Comaneci (Olympic gold-medal gymnast)
Tiffany Fallon (2005 Playboy Playmate of the Year)
Jennie Finch (Olympic gold-medal softball player)
Nely Galan (producer, Telemundo)
Marilu Henner (actress, Taxi)
Lennox Lewis (former heavyweight champion)
Piers Morgan (judge, America's Got Talent)
Omarosa (Apprentice Season 1 contestant)
Tito Ortiz (UFC champion)
Vincent Pastore (actor, The Sopranos)
Gene Simmons (KISS frontman)

I honestly have heard of only 6 of the 14 "celebrities." And one of them is Omarosa. Only famous for "The Apprentice." I think Carol Alt told me to "please pay at the first window" the other day.

I think I'M gonna start writing TV shows for free so this crap doesn't make it to the air. OK. I'm gonna Tivo this. I'm not gonna lie. I'm a sucker for sucky TV.

Best show on TV right now, by the way: "Kitchen Nightmares" Wednesday night at 9pm on Fox.

That probably put my taste into perspective for ya.

Where are they now: Bill Nye "The Science Guy"

You know where Bill Nye is nowadays??? Somewhere at a distance of at least 500 feet from his ex-fiancee. Here's the restraining order he filled out the other day.

Must be hard being a woman-magnet-one-time-a-little-bit-famous-scientist-geek.



It seems his crazy ex showed up at his house and tried to pour poison all over his garden to kill him. Oh those silly childrens tv hosts and their wacky psychopathic lives! Fun!

Jonas Brothers On-Stage Blooper from the AMA's Sunday Night

Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! One of the three "leaders of the Jonas cult" took a little tumble at the AMA's last night. I'm sure one of his teenage female minion members will nurse him to health. Catchy song too.

Spongebob Scores BIG Ratings

Remember when Spongebob was the frizz? It was monstrously huuuge. Everybody loved it. 4 year-olds. 23 year-old stoners. 79 year-olds with dementia. Cats. I thought those days were done. Little did I know it's still the frizz.

[Psst. I just made up that word for this post.]

Spongebob's new made-for-TV movie aired Monday night on Nickelodean and 9 million people watched it. That's 8 times the population of Rhode Island. Sure Rhode Island is pretty much a really large town, but whatever. That's still a lot of people watching a cartoon.

Here's where it gets awesome:

The movie led Nickelodean into it's highest ratings of the year amongst children 2-11 and kids 6-11.

Read that last sentence again.

Do you realize that there's a board room of suits having deep philosophical discussions on how to tap the prestigious 4-6 year old market. Damn. Laffy Taffy and pink shoelace companies must be psyched.

And sorry "Naked Brothers Band." You're no longer the cornerstone of Nick's forward charge. It's all about the sponge. Now only if Britney Spears could learn that same lesson.

What does Soulja Boy do in his spare time? He has his friends video tape him pee'ing! Duh!!!

I guess we know one rapper who doesn't wash his hands after urinating. Tsk. Tsk.
He needs to concentrate less on "supermaning the hoes" and a little more on "washing up after flows."

Paris Hilton says "Save the Drunk Elephants!"

The elephant story ended up being a hoax. But for 12 hours it was the best celebrity story of the year.

Vom Alert: Sharon Stone's Camel Toe

She's been working on that thing for nearly 50 years. Ew.
Maybe she just didn't want to carry a purse. But if she takes too big of strides, her car keys may fall out.

Hasselbeck has a boy!

"The View's" Elizabeth Hasselbeck and her husband (and Michael Bolton tribute show singer) Tim welcomed a 7 pound 5 ounce baby boy Friday in Arizona. The name has yet to be announced.

I bet she's a wicked bitchy mom. Congrats!!!











UPDATE: The baby's name is "Taylor Thomas Hasselbeck." Jonathan must be so proud.

Don't Believe TMZ says OK! Mag: Britney DIDN'T fail her drug test!

TMZ is reporting (and now the world believes) that Britney failed a random drug test - and that there were illegal drugs in her system.

OK! Magazine is saying "not so!"

They have a sourse that says Britney tested positive for Provigil (seen here popping it's head out of Britney's pretty pink purse).

Provigil was prescribed by the courts to treat Britney's cocaine withdrawl.

OK's moley-mole-mole says:

If she had tested positive, she wouldn’t be with the boys right now. There are no illegal drugs in her system.

Someone is making shit up. This case is sealed and no one has access to the results at all.

BIG Changes To "American Idol" Coming This Season

THREE CHANGES THIS SEASON(and my editorial opinions on each):

1) Contestants will be able to use instruments in the Hollywood auditions.
[POSITIVE -- Simon Cowell's human insults have been growing tired. Now he can insult inanimate objects. Yay.]

2) Less "celebrity mentors" this season.
[NEUTRAL -- I liked watching stars watch in horror as crappy contestants butchered their classics. But we won't get slammed over the head with album plugs every week.]

3) "American Idol" will be going on tour with "So You Think You Can Dance" for a concert mega-crap-fest after the seasons end.
[I think I just pooped my pants in happy anticipation. Ugh.]

Brad Pitt: Pringles Spokesperson

Happy 6 month anniversary Brittany Murphy and old creepy guy!

Thank God for this guy! He gives hope to every man that majored in Woodshop in college.

They just celebrated their six month anniversary of being married.

At least she doesn't have to worry about him being faithful. Or ever having to do math again.

He must have large manhood.

The Wonders of Photoshop

BEFORE

AFTER
This picture just leaked from the photo shoot Britney had a OK! Magazine a couple of months ago. OK! said if the pictures ever came out Britney would be embarrassed! I don't know if it's just me but this is a heck of a lot better then the ones of her sucking down Starbucks with her weave half grown out shopping for chandeliers. But.. they are more fun to look at =)

Dads Gone WILD!!

Don't you hate when your parents embarass you? Well poor Vanessa Hudgens.. She went to the gym with her father yesterday afternoon and some photogs got a little too close for the likings of her Daddy.. so he attacked!



... with his water bottle.. He just splashed one of the photogs. He's a bit scary.. but water?

STEP IT UP POPS!

Celebrity Dirt -- Amy Winehouse gets raided by the cops!

Britney Spears has missed 57% of her drug tests so far!!!

Britney and K-Fed's lawyers met up in court today to discuss why Britney has missed 8 of 14 drug tests she was supposed to take so far. Britney's lawyer argues that it's "unconstitutional" to give Britney one hours notice 'til she has to take a random drug test. Here's an awesome direct quote from the lawyer:

“Is the issue that Britney Spears needs to get up at 8:30 a.m. and answer the phone?” she went on.“She’s a pop star with a No. 1 album. She is not up that early.”[Spears’ album was actually No. 2 on Billboard’s Top 200.]

Seriously. Let's cut her some slack. It's hard to get the motivation to make it to a drug test after a handful of bong hits.

VIDEO: J-Lo Officially Announces Pregnancy Last Night In Miami!

As if the fetal head hanging out of her vaginal cavity wasn't proof enough, here's the official announcement from Jennifer Lopez and Mark Anthony at the final show of their tour last night in Miami. I think the girl video taping was pretty excited about it.

Brit Brit Gets Stuck With K-Fed's BILLS!

Britney was ordered to pay Kevin's legal fees immediately in the amount of $120,000 !! More fees are to come..

Brit Brit is reported to make a total of $737,000 a month -- while Kevin brought home $7,436 after business expenses in 2006.

Kevin is also bringing Britney back on another matter..he is claiming that Britney is violating the court’s drug testing order by not making herself available in a timely fashion when she is called for random tests. Kevin is hoping that Brit's visitation will become even more limited after this case..

Is this ever going to end? Poor kids..

Neverland.. IN FORECLOSURE?!

Jacko's famous mansion Neverland is going into foreclosure! If he cannot pay $212,963 within 30 days- the kiddy magnet goes to the bank! So if anyone is in a new house in Santa Maria.. start saving your pennies! ... Jacko's current loan is for 23 million dollars!

Jessica Simpson wants a BOSTON boy!

Jessica Simpson tells Extra that she wants a boy from Boston:

"I think Boston has cute boys. I need a Boston man. A Boston man is closest to a Southern man, I believe."

Specifically, she says, it's "just their loyalty" that reminds her of Southern gentlemen.

Also because she probably thinks Boston is the capital of Texas.