Joan Rivers trashes celebs

Joan Rivers is getting in the spirit for her Comedy Central Roast (airs Aug 9) a little early by trashing a few celebrities for pretty much random reasons. Check out what she had to say about Jon Gosselin, Brooke Shields, and Jay Leno below.

On Jon Gosselin: "I'm disgusted by him. Here's a guy with eight kids who runs off to 'find himself' -- well, he should have found himself a condom."

On Brooke Shields: "I'd love to roast Brooke Shields. Michael's dearest friend. She hasn't seen him since 1993! ... It's called face time." (Referring to Brooke's eulogy at Michael Jackson's memorial service.)

On Jay Leno: "I think it's brilliant that Leno is at 10 p.m. because America can get bored more easily and go to sleep earlier ... It will be nice for the Midwest because their crops will be greener."

Hahahaha I love this old crazy broad.

Baby V wants no babies...and MORE!!

Vanessa Hudgens doesn't want kids. (amygrindhouse)

Senator Chris Dodd has prostate cancer. (VBT)

Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush split. (examiner)

Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett Vanity Fair covers. (smack)

Holy Jessica Alba's ass! (bedhead)

I feel bad for Penelope Cruz's feet. (ayyyy)

Jennifer Love Hewitt bikini pics. (POTP)

Joan Rivers -- murderer! (gabby)

Sienna Miller shows Regis and Kelly her ta-tas. (bitten)

Next week's RAW Guest Host! (wrestling)

Joan Rivers wins "Celebrity Apprentice"

Joan Rivers was hired as the Celebrity Apprentice last night during the 3-hour season finale of the show last night. Forgive me for not getting as detailed with this recap as I usually do, but quite honestly I was sh*tfaced by about 5pm yesterday and passed out around 9:30, so I only saw half of the show. But from what I do remember, the final project was to set up a pre-theater party and silent auction that was sponsored by Kodak which somehow worked in a Cirque du Soleil show. 6 of the eliminated contestants came back, with Joan and Annie Duke playing captains and choosing their teams. Joan picked Herschel Walker, Clint Black, and her daughter Melissa. Annie picked Brande Roderick, Dennis Rodman, and Tom Green.

After all was said and done, Joan finally got the retribution she thought she deserved (even though she's the one that was trashing Annie) by being named the 2nd Celebrity Apprentice and watched Annie get fired.

Frankly, I think Annie should've won. She played a really smart game, and a game that was really similar to the one that the first Celebrity Apprentice, Piers Morgan, played last season. Plus she's hotter.

Celebrity Apprentice recap -- Final 5

As you can tell by the picture, the finals are set for Celebrity Apprentice -- it's gonna be Joan Rivers and Annie Duke going at it head-to-head to be named the second winner of Celebrity Apprentice. But yesterday's show started out with the Fab 5 of Joan, Annie, Clint Black, Brande Roderick, and Jesse James. The two teams were assigned a task to promote Chicken of the Sea tuna fish two different ways, with a radio jingle and a 30-second radio commercial. It looked like KOTU had the huge advantage since Clint is a country star and Joan has her own radio show. Both teams actually got along pretty well, with a few disagreements between Jesse, Joan, and Clint (because of Clint being really stubborn as he has been all season), but for the most part they all worked well together. Both jingles were good (at least in my opinion), with Team Athena going for a more upbeat jingle, but KOTU leaning toward a more country sound. Athena's 30-second spot was basically two mothers talking back and forth about wanting their kids to eat healthy, while KOTU's spot was more funny-informative.

In the board room, Donald Trump said the executives at Chicken of the Sea really liked both jingles and both spots, but ultimately the country sound of KOTU's jingle is what made them lose, just because the execs didn't think it appealed to everyone. Since Clint was not only the Project Manager but also the creator and singer in the jingle, The Donald fired him. The final four then went on to meet with last year's winner Piers Morgan to just sit down for a chat so Donald could figure out who the final two would be. When all was said and done, the predictable final of Joan vs Annie was set up for next week's blockbuster 3-hour Finale. I'm split on who I want to win -- I think Joan is hilarious and she's definitely entertaining, but at the same time, Annie is playing a real good game and I feel like she's playing it like Piers was playing it last season. So how about you...are you on Team Joan or Team Annie?

P.S. Annie Duke is kinda cute, but she was super hot with longer hair.

Celebrity Apprentice recap

Promos for Celebrity Apprentice all week have said it promised to be an explosive show, and the ending definitely was! This week, the 2 teams were given a project to promote Right Guard's newest deodorant -- Fast Break (isn't that a Reese's candy bar, too?) But not before The Donald sent Jesse James over to the KOTU team from Athena, to even things out at 3-on-3. Jesse, Joan Rivers and Clint Black rocked the KOTU colors while Melissa Rivers, Brandi Roderick, and Annie Duke were on Team Athena. The teams objective was to make a 4-page ad insert and present it to the Right Guard reps.

Jesse, who runs his own magazine already, came up with a real good idea pretty quickly using more visuals and less wordage, but working in some of the key promotional points, too. Clint, who was the Project Manager, wasn't feeling it and went with his own idea, which Jesse thought sucked from beginning to end. Meanwhile, Brandi was the Project Manager for Athena and laid a ton of the work on Annie, who wouldn't shut up about knowing NBA star David Lee, who was going to be used in the ad campaign. Melissa felt like an outcast in the group (and was treated like one, too, if you ask me). After all was said and done, Right Guard liked KOTU's ad insert, which meant someone from Athena was going to be fired.

After a ton of drama and bickering, Donald fired Melissa, which made Joan flip a bitch and actually leave with Melissa. Now, I didn't catch the promo for next week, but I'm not sure whether we're already down to the Final Four, or if Joan actually plans on returning next week. We'll find out!

Save Katie '08...and MORE!!

Joan Rivers calls Angelina Jolie stupid. At least Angelina doesn't melt in the sun. (smack)

Pamela Anderson hangs out with...Michael Jackson?! (candy)

Al Pacino hearts him some chili! (ayyyy)

Christina Aguilera out with baby Max! (POTP)

Operation: Save Katie Holmes is under way!! (gabby)

Tiger Woods may not be cleared to golf, but it doesn't stop him from nailing a hole-in-one...on his wife! (bitten)

Shawn Michaels injured!! (wrestling)

Joan Rivers swears at Girl Scouts fundraiser

Everyone's favorite plastic face, Joan Rivers, was at a Girl Scouts fundraiser doing a comedy set that consisted of foul language and calling the mothers in the audience "whores."

If Joan Rivers ever called me a whore, I'd shine a spotlight on her face so it melted.

Joan Rivers booted from British TV show

No, it wasn't because of her plastic face. It was because of her mouth (no, not the fake lips.) Joan was a guest host on the hit British TV show Loose Women, when her loose mouth got her in trouble. During one topic, Joan (on LIVE television) said:

You get someone like Russell Crowe, and you want to say to the camera 'He is a piece of' ... get ready to bleep this ... 'f-----g s--t.'

Joan was asked to leave during the commercial break. She later apologized and said she didn't realize the show was live and assumed someone would censor it. Then she made a crack about it reminding her of her wedding night, since she was asked to leave in the middle of that, too...by this guy:


Hey look, someone more plastic than her! Without a winkie!

The Dirty Dirt: Joan Rivers