Dirty Thoughts with Kelly Osbourne

"Why in the bloody f*ck did I sign up for this stupid f*cking dancing show? It's kicking my bloody f*cking ass. Oh wait, I remember, so I can get a sick body and start getting bloody f*cked again."

Dirty Thoughts with Brooke Hogan and her friend

Brooke: "I feel kinda funny."

Friend: "Hehehe, I roofied that bitch."

Dirty Thoughts with John Mayer and Rob Dyrdek

On their way to a double date...

Rob: "Let's get our d*cks wet."

John: "I wonder if I should sing Waiting on the World to Change or Clarity to win this lady's heart."

Dirty Thoughts with Brad Pitt

"I hope I don't get whiskey d*ck with this German bitch later on tonight."

Dirty Thoughts with Lady Gaga

"I hope it's not obvious I just had train run on me."

Dirty Thoughts with Gerard Butler and Katherine Heigl

Gerard: "I'm totally gonna do this to her mommy spot later."
Katherine: "I'm totally gonna let him rail me in the bathroom."

Dirty Thoughts with a dead shark

"I knew trying to eat Paris Hilton was a bad idea. Her chlamydia killed me."

Dirty Thoughts with President Obama

"I'd love to bring change to that ass...OBAMA STYLE!"

"Dirty Thoughts" with Hilary Duff

"Gotta make my boobs bounce...gotta make my boobs bounce."

Dirty Thoughts with Kirsten Dunst

"I look like some 8-year-old's paper mache project. F*ck my life."

Dirty Quotes with John Cleese

"This is my blue steel, bitch."

Dirty Thoughts with Bronx Mowgli Wentz

"I'm embarrassed to be seen with you, Daddy. You look like a f*cktard in those sunglasses."

"Dirty Thoughts" with Parker Foster Aiken

"Somebody please help me. My parents are creepy and my Daddy Clay looks like a porcelain doll. A fat-faced, porcelain doll."

"Dirty Thoughts" with Helen Mirren

"Damn, I look like such a GILF."

(For the record, I have absolutely no interest in doing anything remotely sexual with Helen Mirren OR any other grandmother out there.)

"Dirty Thoughts" with Milwaukee Brewers' Rickie Weeks

"Oh sh*t."

(Rickie was drilled in the face with a pitch by Cincinnati Reds' pitcher Edinson Volquez while squaring around to bunt, but surprisingly wasn't injured and stayed in the game.)

"Dirty Thoughts" with Ashlee Simpson

"OMG I need to go home and Tweet on Twitter about how I just realized this shirt makes me look like Grandma Winslow from Family Matters."

"Dirty Thoughts" with Zac Efron

"I hope no one can tell I'm actually checking out that group of guys and not the girls flashing their boobs at me."

"Dirty Thoughts" from Wrestlemania 25 with Triple H

"If I paid as much money as all of these people did for such a sh*tty Wrestlemania, I'd probably look this pissed."

"Dirty Thoughts" from Wrestlemania 25 with John Cena

"I'm really excited but I really gotta poo!!!!"

"Dirty Thoughts" from Wrestlemania 25 with The Big Show

"My hands may be big but my daddy spot is really small and that makes me ANGRY!! GRRRRR!!!!"