Not celebrity news, but funny as hell

Some chick in Florida locked herself in her car. No, seriously. She called 911 and said she locked herself in her car, nothing electrical worked, she couldn't roll down the windows or anything, and it was getting hot and she was starting not to feel well. The 911 operator told her to pull the lock up manually. Halfway through telling the operator that it didn't work, she pulled the lock up and got out of the car. Check out the full story, including audio of the 911 call, right here.

Some things just speak for themselves, so I'm not even gonna say a word.

Paula Abdul could make a pancake look like a genius

Paula Abdul has to be the dumbest woman on earth, and I know some pretty brainless girls. She was recently on a radio show and said that Simon Cowell would have even more power on American Idol now that there's a fourth judge. She said that if there's a tie, he'll be the deciding vote.

Call me Barry Horowitz if I'm wrong, but if 3 judges (Randy, Paula, and Kara) vote before Simon does...YOU CAN'T HAVE A TIE TO BREAK, YOU DUMB DRUNK!!!

Although I gotta say, your boobs look spectacular in this picture.

Members of the band Oasis attacked on stage

Oasis was playing a gig in Toronto over the weekend when some douchebag rushed the stage and attacked Liam and Noel Gallagher. He pushed them off the stage then was tackled by security. But Oasis is so badass that they told the crowd they'd be back in 5 minutes so their roadies could make sure all of the audio still worked (and probably beat the sh*t out of the guy backstage.)

Check out the video below. The attack happens around 1:30 into it.

Not celebrity news, but this the BEST ebay item EVER.

If you're having a bad day or just feel like having a good laugh, check out this ebay item up for auction. There's a story that goes with it, so make sure you scroll all the way down and read it! It's one of the funniest things I've ever read (and may teach people not to cheat on their "significant others!")

Here's a pic of the paparazzo that Britney may have porked... brought to you by the letter "P"

Imagine for a moment:
You're Britney Spears.
Your kid sister just got pregnant and is stealing some of your attention in the dirt rags (and on crappy websites like this one).
What do you do???

Go on a peeing spree at gas stations and sleep with a paparazzo who makes a living feeding off of you like lice on a 7 year-old.

That's the latest update on Britney and without going into too much detail, here's the photographer she may have had some sex with.

And he's married!!!

How will Jamie Lynn counter??? And will this photog shmoe start taking pictures of himself now that he's in the buzz for a minute??? Whenever you take pictures of yourself you look like you have nine chins so he better watch out.

Mischa Barton busted for DUI - here's the mugshot!

The former “O.C.” star was pulled over early this morning around 2:45 AM as she was driving in West Hollywood, Calif. Cops say she “was seen straddling two lanes of traffic and failed to signal when making a turn.”
When deputies pulled her over, they determined that she “was an unlicensed driver and was driving while under the influence of an alcoholic beverage.”Barton is still in custody, being held on $10,000 bail. The L.A. County Sheriffs’ Inmate Information website called her “Mischa Burton.” Sources tell us that Mischa has been “very cooperative” and “no trouble at all.”

They also found narcotics of some sort on her.
I personally think that Mooshy Fartin' looks better in her mugshot than in most of the papshots nowadays!
And notice it says "while under the influence of an alcoholic beverage." When you weigh 26 pounds, one alcoholic beverage will muss you up!

Celebrity Dirt -- Michael Jackson's Bandaid Face at Barnes & Noble

Britney Spears is getting married again.

That's the word. And the lucky guy she's marrying? Sam Lutfi. Here he is in the only 2 pictures I could dig up on him:




Britney's dating has been trending down... HARD! First Justin, then K-Fed, now this Shmoe??? He looks like my mailguy, who's 53. (And a very nice man as a side-note.)

Reportedly K-Fed has seen this guy lose his temper on a number of occasions and wants him NOWHERE near the kids. If Britney has the kids around this guy, she'll most likely lose them (again). But Britney seems to lose her kids more often than I lose pens, so look for it to happen soon. And thank God for computers and their glorious wired keyboards. Screw pens.

Kanye Still Holding "I Don't Like You Anymore" Grudge Against MTV

Check out Kanye West's fiancee Alexis. Shoot. Not so bad for a guy with a gimp jaw.
That's a picture of the two hanging out at the US Weekly Hot Hollywood party the other night.

At said party - on the red carpet - MTV cameras tried to film while US Weekly did an interview with him. Kanye got pissed, swatted away the videoperson's camera, and said "sorry, it's not you - it's your boss." Kanye kept his hand on the MTV camera's lense for the rest of the interview.

Attaa boy, Kanye! I think it's silly to hold grudges... but since it's with MTV, bravo! It's a fun story and I can't wait to see how long you'll hold out on your ban, you egotistical douche. Go get 'em!

In some countries, it's considered a delicacy

Chef Gordon Ramsey -- you know, that jackass chef from Hell's Kitchen -- burnt one of his testicles while cooking. And he swears at students for underseasoning lamb shanks. Dumbass.

He was cooking while wearing "cotton knickers" and nothing else. Blick. Commando. He got a little too close to a wicked hot oven and "righty" got singed pretty bad.

He was rushed to and treated at London's Cromwell Hospital where you know all the doctors, nurses, techs, secretaries, grounds-keepers, and cadavres had a good laugh at his expense.

I'm sure that since the incident, Ramsey has removed anything with toasted nuts from all of his menus.

Jamie Foxx wants you to take the stairs, you slobby peasant.

Jamie Foxx is an elevator-hog. You can't ride with him. Hit the bricks.

He was at the Four Seasons Hotel in LA late last week for a stop on his publicity tour for "The Kingdom." When he needed to take the elevator, Foxx had his bodyguard ask the guests of the hotel to leave the elevator so Foxx could use it. Then on each floor the elevator stopped at, the bodyguard held his arm out and said "you can't enter."

What a great guy. Taking a firm stance on physical fitness. If you're not gonna help yourself, Jamie Foxx will help you help yourself by making you take the stairs. Feel the burn!!!

Jerry Lewis: Drops the BIG F-bomb

Not f*ck. But worse. Watch as he drops it on network TV during his MDA Telethon by clicking his dumb-ass-stupid-dated-joke-grinning face above. Ugh. He says he's sorry now. What a tool. You buried yourself already.