"Dirty Thoughts" with Helen Mirren

"Damn, I look like such a GILF."

(For the record, I have absolutely no interest in doing anything remotely sexual with Helen Mirren OR any other grandmother out there.)

Helen Mirren is a gold digger

Helen Mirren straight up admitted she's a total gold digger, which I guess makes me want to do a mix of smacking her in the face, and shaking her hand for being honest. She said that "economics are basically the only reason to get married," but she said she's glad she married her husband Taylor Hackford.

Yeah, no kidding she married for the money, because it sure as hell wasn't for the last name.

Helen Mirren used to love the drugs

Helen Mirren used to LOOVVVEEEE the coke. And I'm not talking about the soft drink, either (if you couldn't tell by me going all Perez on this picture.) But she admitted to loving cocaine and marijuana back in the day, which made me laugh because she's a 60-something year old lady now.

I loved coke. I never did a lot, just a little bit at parties. But what ended it for me was when they caught (Nazi war criminal) Klaus Barbie, the Butcher of Lyon, in the early 80s. He was hiding in South America and living off the proceeds of being a cocaine baron. And I read that in the paper, and all the cards fell into place, and I saw how my little sniff of cocaine at a party had an absolute direct route to this horrible man in South America.

She's officially the coolest old lady ever.

Old ladies in bikinis

This didn't turn me on or anything, I just find it funny that old ladies in bikinis look better than some people my age. On the left is 62-year-old Helen Mirren, and on the right is 58-year-old Linda Thompson (Brody Jenner's mom).